15 March 2010

Snatches of More Serious Thoughts

First quarter of 2010 is moving towards a close. I still seem to be perennially engulfed by things around me--online work, routine household chores, ministry stuff, Facebook, Twitter, people, my kids...I had really really hoped for CHANGE.

I regret not starting my long planned attempt at getting into shape--brisk walking (from our house to the highway; it's really not that far), or sticking to the discipline of drinking at least 8 glasses of water a day, or blogging on a daily basis even if only to keep my writing chops sharp.

I wonder if I'm truly making an impact with my life or if I'm just bumming my life away with the routines I've gotten myself into.

Then I get to asking myself: What is it that you are most passionate about? Teaching kids.
But then I seemed to have "lost" that passion since last year...since I began feeling fatigued and burned out...and finally admitting these to myself.

But I still want to teach kids. Teach them about God. Teach them about HIS incredible love. Kids are just so open and trusting even when surprisingly, they ask tougher and more sensible questions than most adults. I really feel guilty about putting the Children's ministry on hold--again. I am honestly torn between wanting to teach them and feeling so tired. At the same time so frustrated with budget constraints that seem to prevent us from procuring much needed equipment, furniture, and materials to continue such a precious ministry.

I wonder if I'm still qualified to do my job. My online work. Again, I feel guilty when I groan inwardly about the tasks and the nature of these tasks assigned to us. Lately, I hear myself telling myself: "For goodness sakes I'm a WRITER.  I write. I don't totally comprehend technical stuff. What am I doing here?"  And guilt follows after that because I am only too aware that this online job was literally a God-given gift about three years ago. It's homebased. The company pays for internet connection. I can log in for work while still in my PJs and even when I haven't brushed my teeth yet. So, the nerve of me to complain. I've met people who learn about my job and I see them longing for such a job. So now I hate myself for being a totally ungrateful whiner.

I wonder if I truly love my husband. There are days when I just want to strangle him or kick him hard on the shins for not being more understanding or for being so focused on the ministry that I feel neglected and yet it's crazy that on the same day I have these feelings, I desire him so much...yes I get horny over him. It's maddening! Then I get to the place where I wonder if he was ever in love with me. I know, I sound like a crazy woman.

And then it's ironic for me to have this homebased job so I can be with the kids but I still don't get enough quality time with each of them on an individual basis or even together--doing stuff together. I'm either glued to the computer or to the stove or to the sink or to the washing machine. And then I go back to thinking if I should just quit my job so I can concentrate on the kids.

And now I feel like a basket case.

The weirdest thing of it all is that I know that all these musings, rantings and ravings, vague feelings, and inner unrest boils down to my relationship with Christ. Where am I in this divine relationship? I am not sure really. Some days so in love with HIM. Some days I take HIM for granted. And just now I just so desperately want to reach out and have HIM hold my hand...and feel it FOR REAL--not just in my soul or spirit but feel HIS hand holding my hand. I don't know, I just think that it might finally make things on my patch of planet OK.

God, I really need that real break from everything and everybody so I can just be with me and rethink my life so I don't waste any more of Your precious time.